At five this morning I woke, knowing that the hope I had was once again dashed for this very moment in time. But as I thought on things I know my God is not only for me, but has got me so securely in His tender, purposeful hand. I am grateful for His fingerprints that speak truth over and over again. I am humbled by His love that never wavers but is always so. I am confident that His plans and purposes are indeed the best and I can rest in that reality…whatever the paths ahead look like.
You see this has been another unique year. It started off with the dizziness of a whirlwind December. Having gone to orientation to step up to another daunting stepping stone my God set before as teaching leader of a global in-depth bible study. The emotions, queasy tummy while away from my wonderful babe I put down to how huge it was. Only to find weeks later when again in the doctors office days before Christmas that it was another loss, that I’d been too consumed by my lane and had virtually closed the door on that longed for chapter that I had no idea of what was until it was over.
Sadness mingled with the holiday we went on. Confusion sat amongst the many to-do’s as I stepped up to begin yet another chapter that if I’m honest felt way too big for this girl to take on. Questioning and loneliness thumped in the background of people and leading, deciding and unfolding. Slowly nervous ones came to speak hope and fan the flame of desire once again. Behind the cobwebs of a busy life and getting on with lanes set before was this longing to be a mum, all over again.
The year raced by in some regards and once again we were at August and I was happily doing my thing when I was swept flat on my back, emotionally. I never expected to care about reaching the fifteen year mark on a road to become a family, or to be turning forty a week after. But there I was on the couch in tears asking God to keep me anchored, to trust, surrender and keep on. And then I did something I’d not dared for so long. I began to hope and put action to it. I asked if what seemed promised could be, and in my timeframe not His. I dusted off the neglected journal and wrote.
I wrote numbers, and alongside biblical meanings. I wrote longings and then lay it down while asking that it be.
15 years on the journey…REST which comes after deliverance.
27 the day I prayed for arrival…It is composed of 20 meaning REDEMPTION and 7 for COMPLETION, so double miracles that completes a promise and sees no egg on face.
4 the month I prayed it would be…APPOINTED TIME showing God is never late but divinely purposeful.
2020 the year I hope is arrival…double REDEMPTION, displaying to perfection my God is grace, love and order.
Then a boy and girls name for there to be twins that had a legacy before they were even formed of being God’s!
Today underneath I will write…God said no! And while there is a mix of emotion due to my boldness to ask, then to hopefully expect the greatest current that runs through my heart and mind is appreciation.
I am thankful that fifteen years ago God had a different path for my life than I did. He pursued my heart over my desire, my character and growth over my comfort and longing for ease and life tied in a nice bow. He saw to it there was a tenacity and not brokenness, ensuring that beauty came from ashes. He overlooked a stubborn one and persistently opened the door that led to His tailored path over my many moments of fleeing. He ensured it was all about Him and not at all about me…giving the space to truly discover a God I’d only partially known so now my heart was so captivated and undone, obedient and aligned.
I am grateful that He still knows His plans and keeps to them, no matter how He longs to see me smile and get what I ask for. I wouldn’t trade any of the heartaches for the reality that is. In the darkest of times I found my God to be near, gentle, consistent and more. Last week I had the privilege of unpacking 1 Kings 1&2 where the heartbeat was Fatherhood. And we got to linger on our Heavenly Father…unchanging, creator, loving, purposeful, provided a book filled with “don’t touch that oven sweetie” and a road map to do life well where we can flourish and be satisfied. Then today as I pour this out so I can move on to unpacking 1 Kings 3&4 where we see God is Sovereign…when broken down means God has got it and He knows best! Oh yes He does…even on days when His girl asked and got a no.
I wonder if you know, truly know, God? If your view of Him as Heavenly Father is right? If your understanding of God knowing best and having you in the best of times and the worst of times is as it should be? If not, can I encourage you to get to a place where you can be accurately taught the truth within His Word so that your heart may be captivated, your mind may be anchored, your life be fuller. I can attest to the worth in digging and discovering, growing and following…my journey with God may have started at 5 years old when I accepted Jesus into my heart, and the crossroads over the years but I think it truly took off when I went to study His Word for myself and truly encounter God in 2011. Where my darkest time began to become the road to my best of times.